Mercury Opposition Chiron

Astrodienst reading:
"Uncomfortable questions"
Valid during several weeks: This quality of time brings with it critical, challenging and uncomfortable questions. Are the rejections in the course of one's life, the scars on one's soul necessary? Is there such a thing as meaningless suffering? Basically these questions have to do with the examination of pain and suffering within oneself or others. Everyone must carry out such an analysis, as life itself confronts us again and again with these problems. Getting a grip on old psychological wounds is just as difficult with dynamic questions as with serious reflection. If your understanding rebels against these things, this is only natural and necessary. You should ask these questions of yourself, as others could well be hurt or made unsure of themselves by them.

I feel like a monster: A monster raised from the substance of all things ill-tempered and negative and toxic. I'm a bad person, and I was a monster to the one I loved, and that is why he has stopped loving me. Who could love a monster? I've always had this at the back of my mind - but I had to first deal with the immediate impact of the break-up and infidelity, without letting myself be destroyed by the guilt and losing my sense of self-worth when I needed it most. I wished I had changed for the better before. Oh, I wish so many things, and I would have done so many more. But it's too late now, isn't it? One of the hardest realisations is that I most probably wouldn't have changed at all if things had continued on their merry way; the inevitability of it all; hurtling towards the same end even if I'd the power to turn back time; retracing the same footprints.

I don't understand why it couldn't have been him giving me an ultimatum to change, rather than keeping quiet and hoping I would change on my own. I don't understand why he couldn't have tried a different way to make me see before giving up and running into another woman's arms. I don't understand why if change can only come about if I myself wanted it and willed it, that this is then the path I have to walk to become a better person - if that indeed is the purpose of it all. I don't understand why I have to pay such a high price - losing the love of my life. Why does it have to be so hard? Is there really no other way?

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A friend: Is it so bad that you can't fix it?
I: I could swallow my pride about the infidelity and would do everything else there is to do, but I can't change his heart.

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I used to tell him that I was willing to die for him; I meant it. Why not then to suffer a broken heart, if only for his happiness - albeit in a sense, a happiness that I cannot share with him.